


It's Always Sunny in Oz (Or, Charlie Squared: Total Anarchy)

by iasipspec



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Wizard of Oz Fusion, Filler Episode, Hallucinogens, It's hard to explain, Recreational Drug Use, Screenplay/Script Format, fan episode, kind of ?, this is such a mess idk what to tag it with, whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 07:03:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10826214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iasipspec/pseuds/iasipspec
Summary: For Charlie, snorting some Benadryl in his sister's bathroom turns what was supposed to be a quiet evening watching a movie into a Wizard of Oz-fueled fantasy extravaganza. With Charlie as the Scarecrow, Dee as the Tin Man, Mac as the Lion, and Charlotte as Dorothy (Not to mention Dennis as the Wicked Witch), it's bound to be a bit more interesting than your standard movie night.





	It's Always Sunny in Oz (Or, Charlie Squared: Total Anarchy)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends! Despite being a day late (finals, EW) the newest episode of IASIPSpec is up and running! Thanks to the commentators and kudos-givers on our last episodes. They really do mean the world to us. For those unaware, Charlotte is Charlie's half-sister whom Daisy and I invented for our hypothetical season 13, and she is lovely and is a friend. Please enjoy and remember to leave any questions you've got at our tumblr, iasipspec.tumblr.com!

******SEASON 13, EPISODE 6**

**WRITTEN BY TAYLOR**

 

**SCENE 1:**

**TITLES**

 

**“7:50 PM**

**ON A SATURDAY**

**PHILADELPHIA, PA”**

 

**Over titles, voices are heard, along with something sizzling.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Charlotte, no no no!! You’re doing it all wrong, sis.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What am I doing wrong? It’s a grilled cheese with chocolate and peanut butter, right?

 

**CUT TO:**

**CHARLOTTE and CHARLIE in CHARLIE’s apartment. CHARLOTTE is standing over the hot plate attempting to grill a sandwich. CHARLIE rushes over to her and snatches the spatula out of her hand.**

 

**CHARLIE**

There is a very delicate balance necessary to create a grilled Charlie, and you’re messing up the system!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

No offense, but I’m not putting cheese on the outside of the sandwich. It’ll get all burned and gross. I’m not in the mood for burned cheese.

 

**CHARLIE**

But if you put all that stuff on the inside it’ll ruin the whole thing! I knew I couldn’t trust you with this. It’s a delicate recipe, Charlotte.

 

**CHARLOTTE steps away from the hot plate and flops down on the couch, frustrated.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I still don’t see why we couldn’t have just ordered pizza.

 

**CHARLIE**

**(sighing)**

Sis. You don’t get it. It’s the principle of the thing. You don’t think I’d let us settle for pizza when we could make a perfectly good grilled Charlie!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Do you think you’re gonna be able to make it through this movie without falling asleep? I mean, listen, The Wizard of Oz is a pretty good movie, but you conked out halfway through Citizen Kane.

 

**CHARLIE**

To be fair, I thought there were gonna be candy canes. I was promised candy canes. Or at the very least that this Citizen guy would have to walk with a cane.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(bewildered)**

His last name is Kane, he doesn’t have a cane.

 

**CHARLIE thinks about that for a moment.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Weird. But I’ve seen The Wizard of Oz before! So I know what’s up.

 

**CHARLOTTE stands up and goes to put the DVD in the TV. CHARLIE looks around.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Hey sis, you got any Benadryl laying around?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(barely looking away from the TV)**

I have some in my medicine cabinet, but I’m gonna need you to promise me you’re not gonna snort it.

 

**CHARLIE**

**(scoffing)**

Please. What do you take me for?

 

**CUT TO:** **THEME, TITLE**

 

**“IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN OZ (OR** **, CHARLIE SQUARED: TOTAL ANARCHY”**

 

**SCENE 2:**

**INT: CHARLOTTE’S BATHROOM - DAY**

 

**An almost immediate smash cut to a shot of CHARLIE lifting his head into frame. There is pink powder coating his nose. He has just snorted Benadryl.**

 

**He looks around, waiting expectantly for something, anything to happen. No result. He sighs and sits on the bathroom floor, nonchalantly propping his arm on the toilet. Suddenly, the room shakes. He looks up. The room continues to shake, and CHARLIE gasps.**

 

**When he stands up and looks out the window, he sees DEE and MAC, who are sitting together in a boat which is floating. Charlotte’s building has lifted into the air. They are loudly arguing with one another.**

 

**DEE**

You promised me that I wouldn’t be thirdwheeling on your stupid date, asshole!

 

**MAC**

Well, Rex’s sister had a hangover! Sorry your half of the double date didn’t pan out, bitch!

 

**CHARLIE opens the window and shouts at them.**

 

**CHARLIE**

What’s happening, guys?

 

**DEE**

It’s a tornado, Charlie!

 

**CHARLIE**

Oh God, it’s just like the movie!

 

**MAC**

That’s kind of the point, man!

 

**MAC and DEE float away. CHARLIE falls back on the floor and cries out.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I just wanted to watch the movie! I didn’t wanna be  _ in _ the movie!

 

**The house touches down. CHARLIE looks up. He slowly stands up and walks out of the bathroom, and into the living room. CHARLOTTE is gone. We see a shot from behind CHARLIE as he, sillouhetted, heads out of the apartment door and into…**

 

**SCENE 3:**

**EXT: MUNCHKINLAND - DAY**

 

**When the camera pans back around, we get a shot panning across the entirety of Munchkinland in all its Technicolor glory. When the camera gets back to CHARLIE, he’s decked out in full Scarecrow garb.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I gotta snort Benadryl more often.

 

**Suddenly he turns around - and CHARLOTTE is standing near him, dressed in a flouncy DOROTHY dress. Both of them, startled, scream at each other.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Whoa, Lottie! You’re Dorothy!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Jesus, Charlie, you look like the Crypt Keeper!

 

**CHARLIE lifts his hand up and touches his face. He feels the straw sticking out of his hat.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I’m the Scarecrow!

 

**CHARLOTTE turns around and looks at her apartment, which has suspiciously turned into a farm house complete with a weather vane on top that’s shaped like a running horse.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What happened to my apartment building?

 

**CHARLIE**

If we’re in the movie, that’s Aunt Em’s farm house!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

But if we’re in the movie, then where’s Glinda?

 

**As if on cue, both of them look up towards the sky suddenly as a floating bubble gently descends from the clouds. It’s blurry in the bubble, impossible to see who’s in it until it lands and pops loudly. ARTEMIS stands proudly, wearing an ill-fitting approximation of Glinda the Good Witch’s dress (only with much, much more cleavage showing)**

 

**ARTEMIS**

**(smugly)**

Sup, whores?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Who are you?

 

**CHARLIE**

That’s Artemis, she’s weird but we love her.

 

**ARTEMIS winks at CHARLOTTE, who cringes.**

 

**ARTEMIS**

**(to CHARLOTTE)**

So? Gimmie the story.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

The story?

 

**ARTEMIS**

Are you a good bitch, or are you a bad bitch?

 

**CHARLIE**

Listen, Artemis, I get you’re trying to be funny or whatever but now’s not the time. I snorted some Benadryl earlier…

 

**CHARLOTTE**

You  _ what _ ? I told you not to snort anything in my medicine cabinet!

 

**CHARLIE**

**(barely registering her)**

And now I guess I’m stuck in this Wizard of Oz fever dream, so do you think you could just tell us how we can get back to reality? Cause this is way less fun than just sniffing glue.

 

**ARTEMIS**

Well if you wanna get back to reality, you gotta head down that there yellow brick road and find the Wizard and tell him to send you back.

 

**CHARLIE**

Can’t I just sleep it off?

 

**ARTEMIS**

Charlie, how is this story gonna have a plot if it was that easy to get home?

 

**CHARLIE**

I guess you’re right.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Wait, wait- If this is Munchkinland, and you’re Glinda… where are the Munchkins? Aren’t they supposed to do a song and dance?

 

**ARTEMIS**

**(shrugs)**

Most of em got evicted after the housing crisis.

 

**A sad LONE MUNCHKIN wanders by with a sign that says ‘Veteran! in need of cash to support family’.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(shocked)**

Uh. Well. That’s depressing as shit.

 

**CHARLOTTE and CHARLIE move to leave, before…**

 

**ARTEMIS**

Wait! Before you go, I’m honor-bound to give you something to protect yourself out there. The streets of Oz can be a dangerous place to wander.

 

**She waves her wand, and suddenly a pair of tacky, bright red pumps appear on CHARLOTTE’S feet.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Aw, no fair! She gets the cool shoes and I don’t?

 

**ARTEMIS**

Well maybe if you wanted the magic shoes you should’ve imagined yourself as Dorothy! This is your hallucination, remember?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(whining)**

Are you kidding? I can’t walk in heels! Have you met me? I can barely walk three feet without tripping in flat shoes!

 

**ARTEMIS**

Well fine, ungrateful bitch.

 

**She waves her wand again, and the heels transform into comfortable Converse sneakers.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(satisfied)**

Thanks.

 

**ARTEMIS**

All you two kids have to do is follow the yellow brick road to get to The Emerald City. That’s where the Wizard is - He’ll get you out of here.

 

**CHARLIE grabs CHARLOTTE’S hand and drags her out of frame.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Let’s go!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Thanks Artemis!

 

**ARTEMIS**

**(chuckling to herself)**

Ya did a good deed today, Artemis. Ya did a good deed.

 

**The LONE MUNCHKIN walks up to her and tugs on her skirt.**

 

**LONE MUNCHKIN**

Spare some chance for a man who lost his home?

 

**ARTEMIS**

**(swatting him away)**

Oh, fuck off.

 

**SCENE 4:**

**EXT: YELLOW BRICK ROAD - DAY**

 

**CHARLOTTE and CHARLIE are walking down the road, looking very tired. CHARLIE is covered in sweat.**

 

**CHARLIE**

How much further do we have to walk until we get to the Emerald City? My feet hurt.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

God, why did I think Converse would be any more comfortable? Couldn’t Artemis have given me sneakers that were already broken-in?

 

**Suddenly, a loud clanging noise rings out. CHARLOTTE and CHARLIE looks at one another in confusion, nod, and then head off to investigate the source of the noise.**

 

**When they turn the corner, they see MAC (dressed as the Cowardly Lion) and DEE (dressed as the Tin Man) fighting with a group of TALKING TREES. The trees are throwing apples at them, and MAC and DEE are ducking for cover. The clanging noise had been coming from the apples hitting DEE’S tin body.**

 

**TREE #1**

Get outta my forest!

 

**DEE**

**(sticking her tongue out)**

Quit throwing apples at us and we might consider it!

 

**CHARLIE**

Oh holy shit, Dee! You’re the Tin Man!

 

**DEE**

I’m aware of that, Charlie! Right now I’m trying to avoid being hit in the head by these projectile apples!

 

**MAC**

**(cowering)**

Stop throwing apples! They hurt!

 

**TREE #2**

What’s the matter, asshole, you afraid?

 

**MAC**

Afraid of getting a concussion from an apple, yeah, sure!

 

**CHARLOTTE and CHARLIE step forward and grab some of the apples that have been thrown off of the ground. They throw them at the trees, who scream when they’re hit.**

 

**TREE #1**

Alright, alright! We get the point, we’ll knock it off with the apple throwing! Jesus, you people are insane!

 

**Satisfied, the four of them leave and head toward the yellow brick road.**

 

**DEE**

I dunno why we didn’t think of throwing the apples back at them.

 

**CHARLIE**

That’s why I’m here! I got big ideas.

 

**MAC**

Sure you do, buddy. Why are you guys headed down this way?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Well Artemis told us that if we get to the Emerald City we can get the Wizard to help us get home. And y’know… I really wanna get home.

 

**DEE**

Well shit, I wouldn’t mind getting some free stuff out of this Wizard guy. I’m in serious need of a heart - Apparently when I was getting made, the schmuck who put me together thought I wouldn’t need one.

 

**MAC**

I could use some courage. I mean, you saw how freaked out I was back there.

 

**SHRILL MALE VOICE (V.O.)**

Back there? Just imagine how freaked out you’ll be if you get to the Emerald City!

 

**All four turn around. Standing up on the roof of a little house is DENNIS in full Wicked Witch garb. He looks absolutely ridiculous.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(deadpan)**

Oh my  _ god _ .

 

**DEE**

**(shouting up at him)**

Nice hat, asshole!

 

**DENNIS**

**(dropping the ‘witch voice’)**

Oh come on, can’t you guys be scared of me for two seconds?

 

**MAC**

It’s kinda hard to be scared of a dude in a dress.

 

**DENNIS**

**(almost whining)**

It’s not a dress, you imbecile, it’s a robe!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Sure, and let me guess, that hat is the height of fashion, right?

 

**DENNIS**

This hat is  _ Gucci _ , you whore.

**(shaking himself off)**

Well it doesn’t matter if you’re scared of me in this outfit, because I have something terrifying for you. Taste fire, bitches!

 

**And with that, he launches a fire ball in their direction. The whole gang gets out of the way, except for CHARLIE, who grins up at the fire in awe and as a result, the fire ball sets his foot on fire.**

 

**CHARLIE**

**(realizing)**

Oh shit, my foot’s on fire!

 

**DEE starts stomping on his foot in an attempt to squash the fire. The whole gang is freaking out, and by the time the fire gets put out, DENNIS lets loose one final cackle and peaces out. What a prick.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What a prick.

 

**DEE**

Please. You don’t know the half of it.

 

**CHARLIE**

Well shit, what are we gonna do? Clearly Dennis doesn’t want us getting to the Wizard.

 

**MAC**

Uh, what the hell do you think we’re gonna do? One of us is gonna have to sacrifice our Wizard wish to sick the Wizard’s powers on Dennis. Then we can set  _ him _ on fire.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

No, no, no. Okay, nobody is sacrificing any of their wishes or setting anybody on fire. Look, let’s just get to the Emerald City and see what this Wizard guy is like. Maybe he’ll be cool?

 

**The gang nods. Maybe he will be cool!**

 

**SCENE 5:**

**INT: THE WIZARD’S THRONE ROOM - DAY**

 

**Cut to the gang trembling in fear before the Wizard - AKA a giant projection of FRANK’S head.**

 

**FRANK**

No! Never! I make it my policy not to do business with freeloaders, and it sounds like you four all want something for nothing! So no deal. Go home!

 

**MAC**

**(leaning over and whispering to CHARLOTTE)**

I can’t believe the Wizard is  _ Frank _ .

 

**FRANK**

**(thunderous)**

Insolent creature! How dare you speak of the Great and Powerful Oz in such a derisive manner!

 

**Hesitantly, CHARLIE steps forward.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Listen, Oz, old buddy… Maybe we could do something for you in exchange for you giving us our stuff we want? Then we won’t be freeloaders anymore!

 

**FRANK thinks about that for a moment.**

 

**FRANK**

Fine. Let’s see now… if you four bring me the Wicked Witch’s broomstick, I’ll consider giving you all what you want.

 

**The gang all cheer and hi-five.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I knew I could count on you, Frankie!

 

**FRANK**

_ My name is not Frank!  _ I am the Great and Terrible, All-Powerful and Scary… Wizard of Oz! I am not to be trifled with, and if you four do not do as I say, I swear by the power vested in me that I shall…

 

**But when he snaps out of his reverie, he notices that all four are exiting the room, laughing and talking amongst themselves.**

 

**FRANK**

Aw, shit.

 

**SCENE 6:**

**EXT: DUSTY ROAD - SUNSET**

 

**The gang approach a field of poppy flowers cautiously.**

 

**MAC**

Shit. I can’t do this.

 

**CHARLIE**

It’s just flowers, buddy.

 

**MAC**

I can’t just walk on flowers, man. There’s no path! I’ll trample ‘em!

 

**DEE**

Who cares, we’ve just got to get to the Witch’s castle and kill her so we can get the shit we want from the Wizard!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(shocked)**

I already said we’re not killing anyone! We’re gonna trick Dennis into giving us his stupid broomstick so we can go home, and you guys can get your heart or brain or whatever.

 

**MAC**

**(softly)**

Courage.

 

**The gang looks disappointed, but presses on, walking through the poppy field slowly. After a few moments, we get a close-up of CHARLOTTE, who starts to look woozy. Once we pan over to MAC, it’s clear he’s getting woozy too. DEE and CHARLIE look fine.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Guys, you think we should stop for a minute?

 

**DEE**

Why? I’m feeling great. Energized. Pumped up.

 

**CHARLOTTE touches her head. She and MAC start to stumble.**

 

**MAC**

Yeah, I’m not feeling too hot either. Maybe we should just… we should just sit. For a while. Right here.

 

**CHARLIE**

Wait no, guys guys guys! We’re almost at the castle, we can’t quit now!

 

**CHARLOTTE and MAC slowly sit down in the field of flowers. They look at one another.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I’m dizzy, can I just… can I just nap for a while?

 

**MAC says nothing, just yawns. He and CHARLOTTE lay down and fall asleep.**

 

**CHARLIE and DEE are, predictably, freaked out.**

 

**DEE**

What the hell?

 

**CHARLIE**

Help!

 

**DEE**

You asshole! They’re asleep, what’s screaming into thin air going to do?

 

**CHARLIE**

Do you have any better ideas? Help! Help!

 

**DEE**

Nobody’s going to hear us, you idiot! We can’t just… aw, shit, whatever. Help! Help, somebody!

 

**CHARLIE and DEE try alternately attempting to drag CHARLOTTE and MAC out of the field by their arms (doesn’t work) and like, attempting to kick them? Which also does jack shit. So they keep shouting at the sky, getting really into it and leaning back and screaming at the top of their lungs.**

 

**Suddenly, a semi-transparent image of ARTEMIS appears, transposed over the footage of the gang. She merely waves her wand back and forth while CHARLIE and DEE continue to scream in the background. Suddenly, snow starts falling. CHARLIE and DEE look confused.**

 

**DEE**

What the hell? Snow?

 

**CHARLIE**

Why would it be snowing? The hell is snow gonna do?

 

**DEE sticks out her tongue and catches some of the ‘snow’ in her mouth. Her eyes light up. She has a devious look in her eyes.**

 

**DEE**

Charlie, this isn’t snow!

 

**CHARLIE**

What do you mean it’s not snow? Of course it’s snow!

 

**DEE**

Charlie, it’s raining cocaine! Holy shit, dude!

 

**CHARLIE**

Artemis must’ve sent this!

 

**DEE**

How do you figure?

 

**CHARLIE**

Well cocaine like… wakes you up and stuff, right?

 

**DEE**

I never thought I’d say this, but thank god for Artemis.

 

**CHARLIE and DEE hold out their hands and catch some of the falling cocaine. Then they lean down to MAC and CHARLOTTE.**

 

**DEE**

**(literally midway to stuffing cocaine up CHARLOTTE’S nose)**

Wait!

 

**CHARLIE**

What? What could possibly be going wrong here?

 

**DEE**

Charlotte’s not a coke head, neither is Mac! What if they get addicted to the stuff?

 

**CHARLIE**

**(rolling his eyes)**

Dee, this is my dream, and in my dream I say that you can’t get addicted to cocaine. Besides, it’s not like when we get back to reality they’ll be affected.

 

**DEE**

Yeah, you’re probably right. 

 

**CHARLIE**

…But rub it on their gums just to be safe.

 

**DEE**

You know that doesn’t do shit.

 

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, but it’ll make me feel better.

 

**True to form, they rub the powder onto CHARLOTTE and MAC’S gums. A few moments later, they awaken, blinking and very confused. CHARLIE and DEE hi-five one another.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What’s in my mouth right now?

 

**MAC**

**(licking his gums)**

Tastes like shit.

 

**DEE**

Doesn’t matter! What matters is we woke you up, right? And any illegal substances we may or may not have used to do so aren’t important.

 

**MAC**

**(dryly)**

Illegal substances?

 

**DEE**

It’s not important!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Dee, what the fuck did you put in my mouth?

 

**CHARLIE**

We had to wake you two up somehow, and anyway if it’s in a dream you won’t get addicted!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Charlie. Please be straight with me here.

 

**CHARLIE**

It was cocaine, okay? 

 

**MAC**

**(super offended)**

Dude! Why?

 

**CHARLIE**

Well Artemis made it rain cocaine!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

But that doesn’t mean you have to feed it to us, dude!

 

**DEE**

Oh, quit being such a pansy about it. First you won’t do tequila shots with me when we hang out, and you can’t handle a little cocaine to wake you up?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Oh that is so unfair, because not once have you poured tequila down my throat without asking me first, and second of all you know I only drink daiquiris and pina coladas because all other alcohol tastes like ass!

 

**CHARLIE, DEE, and MAC all gasp, clearly offended. They’re silent for a moment before MAC asks -**

 

**MAC**

You’re a bartender and you only drink fruity shit?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Why are we all getting offended about this? We have to get to the castle!

 

**CHARLIE**

**(exasperated, but trying to calm everyone down - including himself)**

Yeah, I mean, if we wanna get whatever the hell we wanted in the first place we gotta like… go.

 

**Everyone sighs. CHARLOTTE and MAC stand up. They walk towards the castle. Still, the question hangs in the air - how the hell does CHARLOTTE bartend without liking any alcohol?**

 

**SCENE 7:**

**INT: WITCH’S CASTLE - NIGHT**

 

**The gang steps through the doors of the castle. MAC is talking in whispers to CHARLOTTE.**

 

**MAC**

So like, seriously? Nothing? At all?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Beer tastes like horse piss, dude.

 

**CHARLIE**

**(giggling)**

How do you know what horse piss tastes like, sis?

 

**DEE**

Guys, shut up! We have to be sneaky if we wanna get that stupid broomstick and kill the witch-

 

**CHARLOTTE** **  
** **(interrupting)**

Oh my God, for the last time, there’s gonna be no killing anybody!

 

**SHRILL MALE VOICE (V.O.)**

No killing, eh? We’ll see about that, my pretties!

 

**The gang turns around and DENNIS is standing on the top of the staircase, making very stupid ‘claw hands’ in an effort to look scary.**

 

**DENNIS**

**(still using the ‘witch voice’)**

Ah, you thought you could simply steal into my castle and take what belongs to be, didn’t you?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Drop the voice, man.

 

**MAC**

Yeah, it’s getting pretty weird.

 

**DENNIS**

**(dropping the witch voice)**

Still, it’s pretty shitty of you guys to just break into my house. You guys could get arrested for shit like this. Not to mention the cocaine.

 

**DEE**

Well the cocaine was given to us by The Witch of the North! So technically we’re good on that one. We have special permission.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Look, can you just give us your broomstick so we can go? Please?

 

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, this whole Oz thing was cute at first but now I’m just kinda annoyed and I want to go home ASAP.

 

**DENNIS**

Try me, bitches! Flying monkeys? Sic em!

 

**Out of nowhere THE MCPOYLES swoop in and grab our heroes.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Wait, who are these people?

 

**DEE**

Oh God, Liam, you smell terrible!

 

**LIAM**

At least I don’t smell rusted, Tin Man.

 

**DEE**

That’s  _ Miss Tin Man _ to you, prick.

 

**MAC**

Yeah, seriously, you guys smell like wet dog.

 

**RYAN**

Maybe we like to smell that way…

 

**He leans way too far into MAC’S comfort zone, leering. MAC visibly recoils.**

 

**MAC**

I’m just saying, Dennis, if you wanna kill us you’d better do it now, ‘cause I don’t know if I can handle this anymore.

 

**MARGARET, who is holding CHARLOTTE, makes some sort of weird gurgling noise.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What the- Is this bitch gargling her own spit right now? What the hell?

 

**CHARLIE**

Be thankful the only time you have to deal with them is in a dream.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Well here’s the thing, this isn’t much better.

 

**CHARLIE looks over and sees a bucket of water against the wall. He leans over and whispers to CHARLOTTE.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Sis, you gotta dump that bucket of water on Dennis.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Why can’t you just do it?

 

**CHARLIE**

Listen, little miss Degree-In-Film-Criticism, don’t you know Dorothy is the one who has to spill the water on the witch?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Charlie, I don’t know if I can, I mean-

 

**MARGARET leers at CHARLOTTE and gurgles again. CHARLOTTE frowns.**

 

**CHARLOTTE (CONT.)**

Actually, you know what? I think I’m good to do this.

 

**DENNIS descends the staircase dramatically.**

 

**DENNIS**

You know, once upon a time I didn’t so much as comprehend the complexity of an evil plan… but now that your four are all here, those magic sneakers that Charlotte has will be mine! And there’s nothing you can do to stop me!

 

**CHARLIE**

Now, Charlotte!

 

**CHARLOTTE wrenches herself out of MARGARET’S grasp and runs forward to grab the bucket from the corner of the room. Quick as a flash she dumps the water onto DENNIS, who screeches. As he speaks, he begins to melt, sinking into the floor and crying to the sky.**

 

**DENNIS**

Oh nooooo! Oh, what a world this is! How dare you! How dare you destroy me in such a fashion! I’m ugly! I’m melting, and it’s making me look  _ ugly!  _ Oh god… what dramatic irony… the hottest piece of ass in Oz being melted by the ugliest one!

 

**DEE**

Holy shit, dude, just shut up and melt!

 

**The gang feels no shame.**

 

**SCENE 8:**

**INT: THE WIZARD’S THRONE ROOM - NIGHT**

 

**Again, the gang stands before FRANK’S giant floating head. He is bellowing at them. CHARLOTTE is holding DENNIS’ broomstick.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Dude. You have to send us home now. I mean, we literally killed Dennis, which is way more weird than I ever wanted to get today.

 

**FRANK**

Hm… I’ll think about it.

 

**MAC**

**(incredulously)**

You’ll think about it?

 

**FRANK**

Yeah, I’ll think about it! What do you want me to do?

 

**CHARLIE**

Send us home! Please!

 

**DEE**

And give me a heart!

 

**MAC**

And some courage!

 

**CHARLIE, MAC, and DEE start arguing with FRANK. CHARLOTTE looks to the side, and sees a huge curtain covering the corner of the room. Curiously, she walks over to it and pulls it back, revealing FRANK standing behind it and operating a bunch of complicated-looking controls.**

 

**FRANK**

**(turning around)**

What are you doing?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Guys, he’s a fake!

 

**The gang walks over to the curtain.**

 

**DEE**

What the hell? So you’re not a floating head?

 

**FRANK**

You really tellin’ me you’ve never seen this movie before?

 

**MAC**

Not once.

 

**DEE**

Nope.

 

**FRANK**

Alright, alright, look. Here. If I give you a nice speech, will you let the whole ‘giant head’ thing go?

 

**DEE**

Never.

 

**FRANK**

Well then what if I spot you some cash?

 

**MAC**

Now you’re talkin’, dude.

 

**FRANK starts doling out cash to MAC and DEE, who take it gladly. CHARLIE and CHARLOTTE look at one another sadly.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Does that mean we’re stuck in this weird dream… forever?

 

**FRANK**

**(looking at him incredulously)**

Course not. Benadryl wears off, you know.

 

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, but when?

 

**FRANK**

I dunno. Ask her.

 

**He points up to the ceiling, where a bubble floats down until it lands next to the gang and pops loudly. ARTEMIS stands there, proudly.**

 

**FRANK**

**(looking her up and down)**

Lookin’ good, hot stuff.

 

**ARTEMIS**

**(barely registering him)**

Later, Frank. You two want to go home?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Please.

 

**CHARLIE**

I’m very tired.

 

**ARTEMIS**

Well all you gotta do is click the heels of those magic shoes three times and you’re there!

 

**She smiles placidly. CHARLOTTE and CHARLIE stare at her, mouthes wide open.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Jesus Goddamn Christ, Artemis, why didn’t you tell us that right after you gave her the goddamn shoes?

 

**ARTEMIS**

You two wouldn’t have believed me.

 

**CHARLIE**

Are you kidding? Are you kidding? I could’ve been home the second I got here, but oh no, you had to teach my sister and I some stupid lesson about humility or some shit. Well guess what, Artemis!! We didn’t learn shit from you, and we’re gonna go home and be ten times as awful just to piss you off!!!!!

 

**CHARLOTTE gently touches his arm.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Maybe now would be a good time to just… duck out. Yeah?

 

**CHARLIE notices that MAC, DEE, and FRANK are staring at him.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, now would probably be a good time. We out?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(nodding)**

We out.

 

**CHARLIE**

Peace out, bitches!

 

**CHARLIE takes CHARLOTTE’S hand and the two of them close their eyes. CHARLOTTE clicks her heels and the two of them look at each other one more time before saying, in unison…**

 

**CHARLOTTE + CHARLIE**

There’s no place like home… there’s no place like home… there’s no place…

 

**SCENE 9:**

**INT: CHARLOTTE’S BATHROOM - NIGHT**

 

**We hear CHARLOTTE banging on the door as CHARLIE wakes up from his Benadryl-induced hallucination. He’s laying on the floor, his nose covered in pink powder, and mumbling to himself.**

 

**CHARLIE**

N-no place like home… there’s no place like… like home…

 

**CHARLOTTE (V.O.)**

**(from behind the door)**

Charlie! Open up! I’m about to start the movie!

 

**CHARLIE starts awake, gasping. He crawls to the door dramatically and opens it up. On the other side, CHARLOTTE is standing there, but so are FRANK, DENNIS, MAC, and DEE.**

 

**CHARLIE’S face lights up when he sees him.**

 

**CHARLOTTE does not look so pleased.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Oh my god, were you just snorting my Benadryl in there?

 

**CHARLIE**

Uh. Yeah.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I told you to stop doing that! Is that why you locked yourself in here? You were riding out those weird hallucinations you get from it?

 

**CHARLIE**

**(shaking his head)**

No, sis, you don’t get it… it wasn’t a hallucination, it was a real place! And… and you were there!

 

**He points at CHARLOTTE. She seems surprised.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I was there?

 

**CHARLIE**

**(pointing to each of the gang in turn)**

And you were there! And you, and you, and you were there! You were all there, and it was wild as shit!

 

**DENNIS**

Okay buddy, I think you might have to sleep this one off.

**(leaning over to CHARLOTTE)**

I think he might still be half in that ‘place’ of his.

 

**CHARLIE**

No, you don’t get it! Artemis was in a giant bubble, and the McPoyles were monkeys, and you were a witch! But what I learned was… I learned there’s no place like home!

 

**CHARLOTTE smiles fondly. That’s kind of nice.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I also learned that you can’t get addicted to cocaine in your dreams.

 

**Well. So much for that. CHARLOTTE sighs. The more things change, after all…**

  
**THE END**


End file.
